The heavy and light notes.

Since those things that happened ..... 

It has been a peaceful two weeks, or rather I believe and hope so, and determined it to be till the end of the month and far ahead. 
But at such a moment like this, after a really long time of bottling everything up, I just feel like crying on that one person's shoulder that I'd first, and so far, last cried on.

To be honest, it hasn't been a great month through the middle. I don't deny, many things had happened. I don't know whether to be sad about having to witness the "oh-so-claimed" permanent or temporal loss of some friends, or to be elated over the fact that I finally see some true light (that perhaps my other friends have seen, but not me). I don't want to start pinpointing people anyway.

I'd been thinking through things that had happened so far this October, and it has definitely been an eye-opener to seeing what people can do and to see whether they genuinely care about you. Frankly, it's never about the number of friends you have, but it's about the people who care and genuinely treasure as a friend of theirs.

I hate to admit, but I know I can be a very defensive, excessively blunt and overreacting person. &I know I've hardened so much that I'm losing myself, not to the devil, but to my good self. I know very well that it's a blatant lie to say this "losing myself" occurrence being entirely because of my condition. I know better than anyone that it's just an excuse. It's not really about that, and I'm not ready to reveal such personal issues.

ANYWAY, TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK I USE MY ILLNESS AS AN EXCUSE; HERE I ADMIT IT. I'M SO SORRY, AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 

I've learnt a very nice lesson. When two parties become so close, either one or both will tend to drop their guards because of the "closeness" and the "trust" they have of each other. But I'd never realised, if one party is jealous, angry, unhappy, or feeling whatever other negative feelings about the other, they'll go all the way to push him/her down. I've felt that once, this is the second time.

Putting that aside, on a very light note, I'm pretty lucky that God has answered my prayer to not let myself fall into my weakened immunity and the heavy heart on getting the monthly relapse. &From here, I'm going to carry on having this stress-free, trying-to-grow-strong-again will, encouragement and the prayers from friends and family towards my speedy recovery :)

But for now, please spare me of any arguments, sour friendships and politics. You need me to reflect? Sure thing. But please make sure you also reflect on what you did to make me do the wrongdoing I'd done; for I know very well, I won't do it unless you'd made me feel / or having had any negative feelings. This is because I'd cared too much, been too nice and believed that I'd done enough for me to break down in negativity.

I'm sorry to all who got affected by the last few breakdowns. I don't want to say I'm done reflecting, but I'm definitely reconsidering every factor right now.