i kiss (non-serious) dating goodbye ~

My brain has been blacking out lately. My mind has been blanking out lately. Both of them being in an almost weekly basis. It could be as fast as animation which shows black, white and colour at the fastest flipping-page speed.

Here, this post, for this month's end, I'll just like to take this opportunity of penning down a particular thought that has been tugging my heart for weeks, before I complain of writer's block (again).

For the last two weeks, I have even reading this Christian Book entitled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". 

Before I start, you may be thinking... 

"Why is Gillian being all emo and reading such a negatively titled book? Don't tell me she's still not over her five-years-ago failed relationship?"

But don't worry, it's none of the above-mentioned in italics. I'm actually reading this for a colleague's recommendation while talking about the envy of her brightly sparkling marriage with the country manager, back in 2012.

In retrospect, I really do need to thank her for this recommendation for now I'm finally willing to open this dirty and filthy secret that was never taken out from the hidden cupboard of mine. Here it goes: 

My grave mistake: 

I barely ever got (very) serious in any relationship, regardless of the true-blue ones, the flings, or the little dates. I'd taken some, if not most, of their love, selfishly, all for my own satisfaction -- which is to have a close male companion by my side, to be there as a confidant, to try out falling (and being) in love, and to "love" back, as well as the trend of puppy love, campus lovers, passionate kisses and embraces, and lastly, sinful curiosity. 

I know some, if not most, are bad-enough mortal sins. I had and have been apologising to the God I pray for forgiveness, till the extent of wanting to kneel on the hardest floor at the train station near the ex-partner's house, just for that one particular sin. I cried, and cried. I cannot remember how long I did it for, but I remember that was three Februarys ago. 

Another apology that I'll like to make to, are to the ex-partners, flings and once-dated. If any of you ever stumble upon this, sorry for myself not loving you (as much) back despite your deepest love for me. Perhaps some of you had thought of serious commitment with me, perhaps marriage, or even having children of our own, but sorry again, I have never thought of those during the times with any of you. 

At this moment in time, I feel sad for my past playful-in-love self. How selfish I was back then. Now my heart feels the nudge of guilt that only I can describe.  

But from this moment on, I'm going to tear that whole tattered notebook, and write a whole new one, if there ever is one in the future. I'll only date when God shines the one to my very eyes and when I'm ready to get into a serious commitment with that significant other. 

Just thinking of another tugging point. My infatuation. The one that has been shining since last July; that almost-white skinned geeky chinese male, who's a great distance and almost two generations apart from me. On a side (or maybe lighter) note, the light is starting to dim, as I start straightening out my thoughts, and getting to know his habits as an individual, colleague and friend. But don't get me wrong, he's not a horrible person but a really nice and wonderful man (with exception of some bad habits, but no one is perfect after all). In fact, honestly saying, if he were to be younger, by let's say, almost ten years, he'll probably be my dream guy. *cackles*

Here's just a reminder to self:
I'd had already cleared the air with him to have no personal commitment other than the current friends&colleagues relationship that we share. Adding on, I've currently no intentions of getting into a serious relationship commitment with anyone, or this guy, at this moment. 

Let me also add that doing this is for my own health's sake.
My health is not very great at this moment, to be honest, and I don't want it to be a burden to anyone. I don't want any male to start being scared of me having any sudden epileptic relapse, or blackouts, or fainting, or dizziness, or sudden depression, and then the next moment, spotting them making their escapade from the relationship once they see it with their own eyes.

Let me pen down my last honest point. I was diagnosed with mood dysphoria, which may have been around since a month ago, without myself knowing, until my neurologist wrote it on my medical report sheet.
But I know I'll heal. I'll heal -- I know it.