Unbelievably, I'm trying my best to keep thoughts of my little head by digging out those thoughts to pen down in this little blog space of mine. Another purpose is just to end the month, which is less than an hour from now.
I don't know whether it's just me, or is it for real, that my circle of friends has been shrinking. Of course, and with almost-full certainty, people may take this opportunity to say that I ought to reflect or search my soul. But I honestly don't think I need it, because the same factors will simply come to mind, and I know they are all solved.
Perhaps I'm too tired to just keep up with certain people who can just do disappearing acts from my life. Perhaps I'm too ignorant to just keep up with certain people who can show insincerity without questioning their conscience. Perhaps I'm too bothered to just open myself up to anyone for fear of getting emotionally stepped on.
Even at this very moment, I'm having mixed feelings about that almost-white skinned geeky cantonese male. The mind is bugging me to straighten out those foolish thoughts and move on without doing any action, but my heart is bugging me to make that once-in-a-lifetime confession for his notice.
It seems like whenever I have any fluttering infatuations, I'll always land in this state of contradiction, where my mind and heart simply do not coordinate.
But just noticing...
The push and pull that he does to me. The leading-on that he walks with me.
The innocence that he portrays to me. The subtleties that he shows to me.
The trust that he hands over to me. The false hope that he gives to me.
Especially that half-painted wall that he shows me and runs off without notice.
(this means a half-dead conversation without any ending)
You know... Perhaps he's just nothing more than a beautifully coated lie.
Since when do males of gillian's all-dreamed-of calibre ever come so easy?
Now that I have typed all this, I actually don't know how and why I brought myself to this juncture.
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