Healing.

May has definitely got to be the most emotional month for me as this is when I’d fallen rock bottom, having thrown away my self-esteem, my cheerfulness, and everything positive to my medical condition. But this year has changed. I’m trying to make steps to get back the things I’d thrown on this same day and month of last year.

It has been a year since I’d been diagnosed with “Epilepsy”. If you don’t know what it is, I’ll tell you, it’s a brain disorder that causes a person to have recurring seizures. Fortunately, for me, I have not felt any symptom of getting it. I am trying really hard to not give myself any unnecessary pressure, or feeling unnecessary negativity.

It has been four (or was it two) since I’d fallen out of a relationship. I know it’s not something to be proud of, but it has shown, through everything, that I’ve been trying to move on progressively and healing my old wounds. That is to forgive myself for my past mistakes and not repeat them, to anticipate for the better future without looking back and losing faith.

I’m twenty-three, and I do not see marriage in my journal of life, at least not within the three years ahead. It’s not that I hadn’t tried dating or liking someone, but apparently, I still cannot make myself to trust wholeheartedly, to fall in love without hesitation, and to open my heart freely like how I can type this blog post on my computer except without the autocorrect function.  

Some of my friends are already mothers at a young tender age like mine or slightly younger/older, and some already married or getting engaged. I don’t deny that there’s a pinch of envy that goes through me like electricity in a closed circuit, but I always believe in the saying,

“God has planned something great for me, and patience does its wonders for those who wait.”

As I type this blog post, I think of many things that happened or those feelings that I’d missed or have been missing.

It’s apparently the countdown of the number of people resigning from the company I’m currently working at, the thirst of pursuing something I’d once wanted to, which is to study business and get into a position such that I’d bring the future company I work in to greater heights. The thirst to get out of my current position with believably no prospects and the little pay I’m receiving.

To add into the pain, my dad is giving indirect pressure of the discrimination of companies not hiring epileptics because some thinking that it will not contribute to greater productivity, which in turn, not bring the company to greater heights. No matter how much I try to voice out, he just will not listen, and I’m starting to get tired of listening and want to fight back for my own rights.

To further add on, just yesterday, while working in an extremely cold air-conditioned office, I actually missed this feeling of warmth that could only be got by holding a pair of big and gentle hands that could fit so well. This was missed so much that I stoned for a couple of minutes through my work and subconsciously held out my freezing-cold right hand just to feel that memory in full force, when you are so far away from me.

However, I want to say thanks for the people who cheered me on through this month so far, and I promise every single one of you that I’ll definitely get out of this black hole and recover. I love you ~~~ *waves the signature hand gesture that my current company always does*

Till I start penning down my next post, I hope this month will get better J