In My Brokenness.

(This is re-dated for my own recollections' sake)

My heart has been wrenching so bad that I feel the need to pen things somewhere, but at the same time, I am wondering how to express this particular feeling that is going through my whole body. People keep assuring me, "Don't think too much, it's all over.", but I still can't think of anything happy, because the month isn't a happy one.

This is the post where I'm going to confess my pent-up feelings to the world.
Are you ready for it? 

If Yes, you may click "Read More" to continue on.
If No, you may close this blog and explore elsewhere.


June. 
The month that squeezed my heart dry, only beating by the bounce of undesirable events.

I left Procter & Gamble (P&G) with a heavy heart, but with not much surprise. My working contract did not get renewed after a whole rollercoaster of events through my four months. Don't get me wrong, I don't entirely blame the management; there're faults of my own that shattered things.

P&G is one of the dream companies to be into in my whole life as a Chemistry Student, and still is. But at the same time, I had hard times adapting to their environment as a contractor. It is a place where qualification is king, and elitism is in their blood. I know this sounds bad, but it's a true story.

If you were someone close to me, you would have known the hard times I'd gone through.

It's wrong to get into the company as a contractor, especially for someone like myself, a person with a bad inferiority complex, an over-thinker that ponders even to the smallest detail. The company divides their own staff and contractors so drastically that one may feel that we are different animals.

Everywhere you go within the compound, if you start a conversation with (almost) any P&G staff, they will tell you, "I am a graduate with a Masters/PhD from AUS/UK/USA, what about yourself?". I feel sick in the stomach just recalling this, as I don't have any such qualification (I graduated with a diploma), and entered purely through working experience.

During my stay, I've also seen their flawed working system, which I could not adapt well as an experienced working employee, despite doing up the learning material for newer contractors. To make things worse, I had to work with an extremely micromanaging supervisor (something I cannot stand). Initially, I thought I could work well with him, as he's a great person on a personal level, but things took for a bad turn (after having a personal disagreement); almost every week or two, we will bicker over work-related issues, regardless of my working performance or our working styles.

It tired me out. It sucked me dry. It pushed me deep.  

I lost myself to anger. I lost myself to sadness. I lost myself to psychosis. 

Doesn't the situation that I'd faced make leaving the company one of the better decisions? 

But, even though I'd gone through that whole drama, I would still want to try getting back there one day as their permanent headcount (when my health improves), to make my dream come true (on the condition that it's not in the same department and/or managed by the same supervisor). And I will get there through the same way, my working experience.

I want to show people that a diploma graduate can do big things.

Just to add fuel to fire, I had seven epileptic relapses during my four-month stay in the company (there might be more that I did not record down), which is not a good sign.

I had gone for numerous medical assessments, and my health had not improved at all, but instead, gone for the worst. It isn't as bad as collapsing, and/or jerking, and/or foaming, but having two episodes monthly is tiring my brain out real bad.

My specialist did mention that... If it does not improve within this month, I might need to explore that extreme option (which I would not list here). Hearing the dread that there might be no medication being able to help on my health is one of the hardest things to swallow.

But I would try to believe on this verse that I'd been seeing around,

When a believing person prays, great things happen.