Hope Against Hope.

Hope. 
A strong word; one that can be used in many forms, holding definitions that can impact our lives. It could be a feeling that we wanted the best for. It could be a feeling of a particular instance. It could be something to look forward with desire and reasonable confidence.

If you are here as a genuine reader, you would have noticed that my blog link contains the very word, Hope. This is in purpose to hold belief, desire and trust in myself.

I have been trying hard to enclose myself within Hope, but there had been too many undesirable events that make me consider giving up on life as a whole, to lose faith (something that I'm also trying hard to hold on), and perhaps, even the will to recover from wherever I am standing right now.

It's been half a month since I'd left P&G, but due to a bad flu and recommended rest by my specialist for bad medical assessments, I've decided to dedicate July to have a good rest, and reflect on how I can be a better individual. I will reserve the elaboration of these events for another post.

The days have been so mundane that I've decided to dedicate most of my time to reading. Reading is something I seek comfort in, like a place in another dimension that I can escape to at times of negativity, regardless of sadness or anger.

I have read so much about Hope, in novels and religious books. I love(d) this word as it makes me look ahead of what life can bring me, but at the same time, realising how it can impact people as a whole. It could be the greater side of the word, or even the scepticism of it.

From a Christianity Book (Unshakable Hope, Max Lucado), it told me that I should choose Hope.

Choose hope, not despair. Choose life, not death. Choose God's promises. 

But on the other hand, my current novel-read (The Great Alone, Kristin Hannah) made me step back and think of Hope.

Hope could break you, how it was a shiny lure for the unwary. What happened to you if you hoped too hard for the best and got the worst? Was it better not to hope at all, to prepare?

Hope is so alike to the word, Expectation.

One meaning of Hope is, something to look forward with desire and reasonable confidence. 
One meaning of Expectation is, the act or state of looking forward or anticipating. 

Don't they both seem identical that they look forward to particular instances, but why do people see Expectation more negatively than Hope?

There was a quote from William Shakespeare that mentioned about Expectation,

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

Or even another one (The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath) which says,

If you expect nothing from somebody, you are never disappointed.

If you base on the definitions that I'd provided alone, dictionary.com, novels, and even goodreads, won't Hope also be able to cause heartache?

And now, it ends up that I'm fighting a war against myself in my own world.

I need to hope against hope for my health to at least improve and recover, for my individuality to get myself back on track. I need to banish the inner devil and prove to people that I can get past this biggest hurdle of my life. 
I'm back to square one, where I need to find myself all over again, and it's only the starting of second-half 2019. I can't believe my life is already going down a slippery slope.